Lyle and Erik Menendez shoot their parents, Jose and Kitty, to death in the den of the family's Beverly Hills, California, home.They then drove up to Mulholland Drive, where they dumped their Most parents do reasonably well when their children are young. It is just that many don't know how to parent adult children. More importantly for present purposes, parents sometimes expect Today's youngest students seem to have more homework than in the past. give a median estimate that is a bit higher than their parents' (45 minutes), with almost two-thirds (63%) saying 45 Having teens is like having a built-in audience for our would-haves and should-haves. It's like talking to our younger selves, except it seems as though they listen with half an ear and a couple of Parents who exert too much control over their children could be causing them lifelong psychological damage, according to a study which tracked a group of people born in the 1940s until the present Brian & Gordon ️ from San Francisco, CA updated their profile. 9hr. Marissa & Adam added a new photo. 15hr. Katy & Scott from NY added a new diary entry. 18hr. Micah & Ali from Philadelphia, PA updated their profile. 18hr. Deb and Steve from Long Island, NY updated their profile. 20hr. Debbie & Ted from New York City, NY added a new photo. 21hr NCtsK. For the latest data on parenting in America, see “Parenting in America Today” January 2023. Contemporary debates about parenthood often focus on parenting philosophies Are kids better off with helicopter parents or a free-range approach? What’s more beneficial in the long run, the high expectations of a tiger mom or the nurturing environment where every child is a winner? Is overscheduling going to damage a child or help the child get into a good college? While these debates may resonate with some parents, they often overlook the more basic, fundamental challenges many parents face – particularly those with lower incomes. A broad, demographically based look at the landscape of American families reveals stark parenting divides linked less to philosophies or values and more to economic circumstances and changing family structure. A new Pew Research Center survey conducted Sept. 15-Oct. 13, 2015, among 1,807 parents with children younger than 18 finds that for lower-income parents, financial instability can limit their children’s access to a safe environment and to the kinds of enrichment activities that affluent parents may take for granted. For example, higher-income parents are nearly twice as likely as lower-income parents to rate their neighborhood as an “excellent” or “very good” place to raise kids 78% vs. 42%. On the flip side, a third of parents with annual family incomes less than $30,000 say that their neighborhood is only a “fair” or “poor” place to raise kids; just 7% of parents with incomes in excess of $75,000 give their neighborhood similarly low ratings. Along with more negative ratings of their neighborhoods, lower-income parents are more likely than those with higher incomes to express concerns about their children being victims of violence. At least half of parents with family incomes less than $30,000 say they worry that their child or children might be kidnapped 59% or get beat up or attacked 55%, shares that are at least 15 percentage points higher than among parents with incomes above $75,000. And about half 47% of these lower-income parents worry that their children might be shot at some point, more than double the share among higher-income parents. Concerns about teenage pregnancy and legal trouble are also more prevalent among lower-income parents. Half of lower-income parents worry that their child or one of their children will get pregnant or get a girl pregnant as a teenager, compared with 43% of higher-income parents. And, by a margin of 2-to-1, more lower-income than higher-income parents 40% vs. 21% say they worry that their children will get in trouble with the law at some point. There are some worries, though, that are shared across income groups. At least half of all parents, regardless of income, worry that their children might be bullied or struggle with anxiety or depression at some point. For parents with annual family incomes of $75,000 or higher, these concerns trump all others tested in the survey. The survey also finds that lower-income parents with school-age children face more challenges than those with higher incomes when it comes to finding affordable, high-quality after-school activities and programs. About half 52% of those with annual family incomes less than $30,000 say these programs are hard to find in their community, compared with 29% of those with incomes of $75,000 or higher. And when it comes to the extracurricular activities in which their children participate after school or on weekends, far more higher-income parents than lower-income parents say their children are engaged in sports or organizations such as the scouts or take lessons in music, dance or art. For example, among high-income parents, 84% say their children have participated in sports in the 12 months prior to the survey; this compares with 59% among lower-income parents. The link between family structure and financial circumstances The dramatic changes that have taken place in family living arrangements have no doubt contributed to the growing share of children living at the economic margins. In 2014, 62% of children younger than 18 lived in a household with two married parents – a historic low, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of data from the Census Bureau. The share of kids living with only one parent stood at 26% in 2014. And the share in households with two parents who are living together but not married 7% has risen steadily in recent These patterns differ sharply across racial and ethnic groups. Large majorities of white 72% and Asian-American 82% children are living with two married parents, as are 55% of Hispanic children. By contrast only 31% of black children are living with two married parents, while more than half 54% are living in a single-parent household. The economic outcomes for these different types of families vary dramatically. In 2014, 31% of children living in single-parent households were living below the poverty line, as were 21% of children living with two cohabiting By contrast, only one-in-ten children living with two married parents were in this circumstance. In fact, more than half 57% of those living with married parents were in households with incomes at least 200% above the poverty line, compared with just 21% of those living in single-parent households. Most parents say they’re doing a good job raising their kids Across income groups, however, parents agree on one thing They’re doing a fine job raising their children. Nearly identical shares of parents with incomes of $75,000 or higher 46%, $30,000 to $74,999 44% and less than $30,000 46% say they are doing a very good job as parents, and similar shares say they are doing a good job. Though parental scorecards don’t differ by income, they do vary across other demographic divides, such as gender and generation. Among all parents, more mothers than fathers say they are doing a very good job raising their children 51% vs. 39%, and Millennial mothers are particularly inclined to rate themselves positively. Nearly six-in-ten 57% moms ages 18 to 34 say they are doing a very good job as a parent, a higher share than Millennial dads 43% or any other generational group. Regardless of how they see themselves, parents care a lot about how others perceive their parenting skills. For married or cohabiting parents, the opinion of their spouse or partner matters the most 93% of these parents say it matters a lot to them that their spouse or partner sees them as a good parent. But most single parents 56% also say they care a lot that their child’s other parent sees them as a good parent. About seven-in-ten 72% parents want their own parents to think they are doing a good job raising their children, and smaller but substantive shares care a lot that their friends 52% and people in their community 45% see them as good parents. Parents are nearly evenly divided about whether their children’s successes and failures are more a reflection of how they are doing as parents 46% or of their children’s own strengths and weaknesses 42%. Parents of younger children feel more personally responsible for their children’s achievements or lack thereof, while parents of teenagers are much more likely to say that it’s their children who are mainly responsible for their own successes and failures. There are significant differences along racial lines as well, with black and Hispanic parents much more likely than whites to say their children’s successes and failures are mainly a reflection of the job they are doing as parents. Mothers are more overprotective than fathers About six-in-ten parents 62% say they can sometimes be overprotective, while just a quarter say they tend to give their children too much freedom. More also say they criticize their kids too much than say they offer too much praise 44% vs. 33%. American parents are more divided on whether they sometimes “stick to their guns” too much or give in too quickly 43% each. In several key ways, mothers and fathers approach parenting differently. Mothers are more likely than fathers to say that they sometimes are overprotective of their children, give in too quickly and praise their children too much. Mothers also have more extensive support networks that they rely on for advice about parenting. They’re much more likely than fathers to turn to family members and friends and to take advantage of parenting resources such as books, magazines and online sources. For example, while 43% of moms say they turn to parenting websites, books or magazines at least sometimes for parenting advice, about a quarter 23% of dads do the same. And moms are more than twice as likely as dads to say they at least occasionally turn to online message boards, listservs or social media for advice on parenting 21% vs. 9%. In at least one key area gender does not make a difference mothers and fathers are equally likely to say that being a parent is extremely important to their overall identity. About six-in-ten moms 58% and dads 57% say this, and an additional 35% and 37%, respectively, say being a parent is very important to their overall identity. Parental involvement – how much is too much? The survey findings, which touch on different aspects of parenting and family life, paint a mixed portrait of American parents when it comes to their involvement in their children’s education. About half 53% of those with school-age children say they are satisfied with their level of engagement, but a substantial share 46% wish they could be doing more. And while parents generally don’t think children should feel badly about getting poor grades as long as they try hard, about half 52% say they would be very disappointed if their children were average students. A narrow majority of parents 54% say parents can never be too involved in their children’s education. But about four-in-ten 43% say too much parental involvement in a child’s education can be a bad thing, a view that is particularly common among parents with more education and higher incomes. For example, while majorities of parents with a post-graduate 65% or a bachelor’s 57% degree say too much involvement could have negative consequences, just 38% of those with some college and 28% with no college experience say the same. Black and Hispanic parents have a much different reaction to this question than do white parents, even after controlling for differences in educational attainment. Fully 75% of black and 67% of Hispanic parents say a parent can never be too involved in a child’s education. About half of white parents 47% agree. Whether or not they feel too much involvement can be a bad thing, a majority of parents are involved – at least to some extent – in their children’s education. Among parents with school-age children, 85% say they have talked to a teacher about their children’s progress in school over the 12 months leading up to the survey. Roughly two-thirds 64% say they have attended a PTA meeting or other special school meeting. And 60% have helped out with a special project or class trip at their children’s school. Parents’ level of engagement in these activities is fairly consistent across income groups. Reading aloud is one way parents can get involved in their children’s education even before formal schooling begins. Among parents with children under the age of 6, about half 51% say they read aloud to their children every day, and those who have graduated from college are far more likely than those who have not to say this is the case. About seven-in-ten 71% parents with a bachelor’s degree say they read to their young children every day, compared with 47% of those with some college and 33% of those with a high school diploma or less. Kids are busy, and so are their parents American children – including preschoolers – participate in a variety of extracurricular activities. At least half of parents with school-age children say their kids have played sports 73%, participated in religious instruction or youth groups 60%, taken lessons in music, dance or art 54% or done volunteer work 53% after school or on the weekends in the 12 months preceding the survey. Among those with children younger than 6, four-in-ten say their young children have participated in sports, and about as many say they have been part of an organized play group; one-third say their children have taken music, dance or art lessons. Parents with annual family incomes of $75,000 or higher are far more likely than those with lower incomes to say their children have participated in extracurricular activities. For parents with school-age children, the difference is particularly pronounced when it comes to doing volunteer work a 27 percentage point difference between those with incomes of $75,000 or higher and those with incomes less than $30,000, participating in sports 25 points, and taking music, dance or art lessons 21 points. Similarly, by double-digit margins, higher-income parents with children younger than 6 are more likely than those with lower incomes to say their young children have participated in sports or taken dance, music or art lessons in the 12 months prior to the survey. Parents with higher incomes are also more likely to say their children’s day-to-day schedules are too hectic with too many things to do. Overall, 15% of parents with children between ages 6 and 17 describe their kids’ schedules this way. Among those with incomes of $75,000 or higher, one-in-five say their children’s schedules are too hectic, compared with 8% of those who earn less than $30,000. But if kids are busy, their parents are even busier. About three-in-ten 31% parents say they always feel rushed, even to do the things they have to do, and an additional 53% say they sometimes feel rushed. Not surprisingly, parents who feel rushed at least sometimes are more likely than those who almost never feel rushed to see parenting as tiring and stressful and less likely to see it as enjoyable all of the time. Spanking is an unpopular form of discipline, but one-in-six use it at least sometimes Parents employ many methods to discipline their children. The most popular is explaining why a child’s behavior is inappropriate three-quarters say they do this often. About four-in-ten 43% say they frequently take away privileges, such as time with friends or use of TV or other electronic devices, and a roughly equal share say they give a “timeout” 41% of parents with children younger than 6 as a form of discipline, while about one-in-five 22% say they often resort to raising their voice or yelling. Spanking is the least commonly used method of discipline – just 4% of parents say they do it often. But one-in-six parents say they spank their children at least some of the time as a way to discipline them. Black parents 32% are more likely than white 14% and Hispanic 19% parents to say they sometimes spank their children and are far less likely to say they never resort to spanking 31% vs. 55% and 58%, respectively. Spanking is also correlated with educational attainment. About one-in-five 22% parents with a high school diploma or less say they use spanking as a method of discipline at least some of the time, as do 18% of parents with some college and 15% of parents with a bachelor’s degree. In contrast, just 8% of parents with a post-graduate degree say they often or sometimes spank their children. Parental worries differ sharply by race, ethnicity In addition to the economic gaps that underlie parents’ worries about the safety and well-being of their children, wide racial gaps exist on a few key items. White parents are far more likely than black parents to worry that their kids might struggle with anxiety or depression 58% vs. 35% or that they might have problems with drugs or alcohol 40% vs. 23%. Black parents, in turn, worry more than white parents do that their children might get shot at some point. About four-in-ten 39% black parents say this is a concern, compared with about one-in-five 22% white parents. And this difference persists even when looking at white and black parents who live in urban areas, where there is more concern about shootings. On each of these items and others tested in the survey, Hispanic parents are more likely than white and black parents to express concern. These differences are driven, at least in part, by high levels of concern among foreign-born Hispanics, who tend to have lower household incomes and lower levels of educational attainment than native-born Hispanics. The remainder of this report includes an examination of changing family structures in the as well as detailed analyses of findings from the new Pew Research Center survey. Chapter 1 looks at the changing circumstances in which children are raised, drawing on demographic data, largely from government sources. This analysis highlights the extent to which parents’ changing marital and relationship status affects overall family makeup, and it also includes detailed breakdowns by key demographic characteristics such as race, education and household income. Chapters 2 through 5 explore findings from the new survey, with Chapter 2 focusing on parents’ assessments of the job they are doing raising their children and their families’ living circumstances. Chapter 3 looks at parenting values and philosophies. Chapter 4 examines child care arrangements and parents’ involvement in their children’s education. And Chapter 5 looks at extracurricular activities. Other key findings About six-in-ten 62% parents with infants or preschool-age children say that it’s hard to find child care in their community that is both affordable and high quality, and this is true across income groups. Most working parents with annual family incomes of $75,000 or higher 66% say their young children are cared for in day care centers or preschools, while those earning less than $30,000 rely more heavily on care by family members 57%. On average, parents say children should be at least 10 years old before they should be allowed to play in front of their house unsupervised while an adult is inside. Parents say children should be even older before they are allowed to stay home alone for about an hour 12 years old or to spend time at a public park unsupervised 14 years old. Roughly a third of parents 31% with children ages 6 to 17 say they have helped coach their child in a sport or athletic activity in the past year. Fathers 37% are more likely than mothers 27% to say they have done this. Nine-in-ten parents with children ages 6 to 17 say their kids watch TV, movies or videos on a typical day, and 79% say they play video games. Parents whose children get daily screen time are split about whether their children spend too much time on these activities 47% or about the right amount of time 50%. Eight-in-ten 81% parents with children younger than 6 say that their young children watch videos or play games on an electronic device on a daily basis. Roughly a third 32% of these parents say their kids spend too much time on these activities; 65% say the amount of time is about right. Throughout this report, references to college graduates or parents with a college degree comprise those with a bachelor’s degree or more. “Some college” refers to those with a two-year degree or those who attended college but did not obtain a degree. “High school” refers to those who have attained a high school diploma or its equivalent, such as a General Education Development GED certificate. Mentions of “school-age” children refer to those ages 6 to 17. “Teenagers” include children ages 13 to 17. References to white and black parents include only those who are non-Hispanic. Hispanics are of any race. Mentions of Millennials include those who were ages 18 to 34 at the time of the survey. Gen Xers are ages 35 to 50. Baby Boomers are ages 51 to 69. Dear Amy I am in my mid-20s and have a great relationship with my parents. I live nearby and see them multiple times a week. They have a large social network of other married couples as friends, many of whom I’ve known since childhood, as they were the parents of my own friends, classmates, neighborhood kids, the past couple of years, I’ve started to feel uncomfortable around one of their male friends, “Biff.” He has never done or said anything specific, but I can’t help but just feel this … icky vibe when I’m around him. It’s little things, like just leaning in too close when he talks to me, holding eye contact too long, and “teasing” in a way that if it was coming from a man my age I would perceive as definite parents are planning a weekend vacation at the end of the summer at an Airbnb. They plan to invite several of their friend-couples, including this man and his wife. I really want to go, but I can’t shake this nagging feeling that I will be spending the weekend avoiding him and not wanting to wear a swimsuit in front of have absolutely no idea how to bring this up to my don’t have any quantifiable examples to give them or incidents to cite as to why he makes me feel this way, and they’ve been friends with this family so long that I’m honestly scared to bring it up and cause a rift or any kind of do you think I should do?— ConflictedConflicted You understand that your folks have the right to invite their friends to join them on their vacation. You also understand that if any of these people make you extremely uncomfortable, then you could either confront him or avoid contact by staying is vital that you listen to your own instincts, even if you lack specific evidence to point to. You should tell your folks that you’ve decided not to join them. If they ask you why, you should tell them, truthfully, that you are uncomfortable around “Biff,” and so you’ve decided to avoid parents might dismiss your concerns in some expected ways “Oh, he’s harmless; he does that to all the lovely ladies,” etc. You can then tell them that you think he’s a skeeve, and that you don’t feel like smiling while he close-talks, flirts and stares down your bikini that you don’t wish to control who they maintain friendships and choose to spend time with. Don’t ask them to disinvite this couple. Tell them you understand this is a long-standing friendship, but that this is your personal choice, based on your experiences and Amy I have a friend who has recently decided to take it upon himself to invite himself to certain social occasions. For example, he recently contacted me in the following situation “I understand you are having dinner with the Browns tomorrow. Do you mind if we join you?”In another instance, I invited him to join a group for lunch and he asked me to change the date. When I did not change the date, he asked me to change the time. This type of situation has come up several times with find this behavior to be presumptuous and rude. Am I being too thin skinned? How should I handle it?— Thin SkinnedThin Skinned When someone approaches you with an unreasonable request, it helps to keep in mind that anyone can ask anything, as long as they are prepared for an honest friend sounds higher-maintenance than most. Just as he can ask anything of you, so can you ask “Do you realize that you have a habit of tinkering with my well-laid plans?”Dear Amy I would like to offer a response to the recent retiree “Life Is Good” who wondered how to answer when people ask him what he does all years ago, I was given this wonderful reply, and would like to share it with him and anyone else who may find this helpful, and funny “I do nothing, but I do it in the morning so my afternoons are free.”It tends to leave the questioner either speechless or amused. Either one works for me.— MM Readers have supplied many genius responses to this question. This one’s a winner.© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency. We all want to be the best parents we can be for our children, but there is often conflicting advice on how to raise a kid who is confident, kind and successful. And every aspect of being a parent has been more complicated and more fraught during the pandemic, with parents managing complex new assignments and anxious new decisions, all while handling the regular questions that come up in daily life with the children we love. Throughout the circus act of parenting, it’s important to focus on balancing priorities, juggling responsibilities and quickly flipping between the needs of your children, other family members and yourself. Modern parents have the entire internet at their disposal and don’t follow any single authority. It’s hard to know whom or what to trust. Here, we’ll talk about how to help your child grow up to be a person you really like without losing yourself in the process. Your Parenting StyleGood news There is no one right way to raise a child. Research tells us that to raise a self-reliant child with high self-esteem, it is more effective to be authoritative than authoritarian. You want your child to listen, respect and trust you rather than fear you. You want to be supportive, but not a hovering, helicopter parent. All of these things are easy to set as goals, but hard to achieve. How do you find the right balance? As your child develops, the challenges will change, and your thinking may evolve, but your approach should be consistent, firm and loving. Help your child learn through experience that making an effort builds confidence and helps you learn to tackle challenges. Calibrate your expectations about what your child is capable of doing independently, whether you have an infant learning to sleep through the night, a toddler helping to put toys away, or an older child resolving conflicts. Remember, there is no one right way to raise a child. Do your best, trust yourself and enjoy the company of the small person in your life. More on Parenting StylesConquering the BasicsYour healthy attitude toward sleep, food and discipline will affect your children in the most important to Put a Baby to SleepRight from the beginning, babies vary tremendously in their sleep patterns. And parents, too, vary in terms of how they cope with interrupted nights. There are two general schools of thought around babies and sleep after those early months when they need nighttime feedings — soothe the baby to sleep or don’t — and many parents find themselves wavering back and forth. Those who believe in sleep training, including many sleep experts, would argue that in helping babies learn to fall asleep by themselves and soothe themselves back to sleep when they wake during the night, parents are helping them master vital skills for comfort and independence. Two techniques for this are Graduated extinction, in which babies are allowed to cry for short, prescribed intervals over the course of several nights. Bedtime fading, in which parents delay bedtime in 15-minute increments so the child becomes more and more tired. And many parents report that these strategies improve their children’s sleep patterns, as well as their own. But there are also parents who find the idea of letting a baby cry at night unduly harsh. Whatever you try, remember, some babies, no matter what you do, are not reliably good sleepers. Parents need to be aware of what sleep deprivation may be doing to them, to their level of functioning, and to their relationships, and take their own sleep needs seriously as well. So, ask for help when you need it, from your pediatrician or a trusted friend or family member. Bedtime For older children, the rules around sleep are clearer Turn off devices, read aloud at bedtime, and build rituals that help small children wind down and fall asleep. Establishing regular bedtime routines and consistent sleep patterns will be even more important as children grow older and are expected to be awake and alert during school hours; getting enough sleep on a regular basis and coming to school well-rested will help grade-school children’s academic performance and their social behavior as well. Keeping screens out of the bedroom and turned off during the hours before bed becomes more and more important as children grow — and it’s not a bad habit for adults, either. Even when education went remote during the pandemic, keeping children’s sleep schedules regular helped them stay on course. As your child hits adolescence, her body clock will shift so that she is “programmed” to stay up later and sleep later, often just as schools are demanding early starts. Again, good family “sleep hygiene,” especially around screens at bedtime, in the bedroom, and even in the bed, can help teenagers disconnect and get the sleep they need. By taking sleep seriously, as a vital component of health and happiness, parents are sending an important message to children at every About Sleep and Your ChildHow to Feed Your ChildThere’s nothing more basic to parenting than the act of feeding your child. But even while breast-feeding, there are decisions to be made. Yes, breast-feeding mothers should eat spicy food if they like it. No, they shouldn’t respond to all infant distress by nursing. Pediatricians currently recommend exclusive breast-feeding for the first six months, and then continuing to breast-feed as you introduce a range of solid foods. Breast-feeding mothers deserve support and consideration in society in general and in the workplace in particular, and they don’t always get it. And conversely, mothers are sometimes made to feel inadequate if breast-feeding is difficult, or if they can’t live up to those recommendations. You have to do what works for you and your family, and if exclusive breast-feeding doesn’t, any amount that you can do is good for your baby. As children grow, the choices and decisions multiply; that first year of eating solid foods, from 6 to 18 months, can actually be a great time to give children a range of foods to taste and try, and by offering repeated tastes, you may find that children expand their ranges. Small children vary tremendously in how they eat; some are voracious and omnivorous, and others are highly picky and can be very difficult to feed. Let her feed herself as soon as and as much as possible; by “playing” with her food she’ll learn about texture, taste and independence. Build in the social aspects of eating from the beginning, so that children grow up thinking of food in the context of family time, and watching other family members eat a variety of healthy foods, while talking and spending time together. Children should not be eating while looking at screens. Parents worry about picky eaters, and of course about children who eat too much and gain weight too fast; you want to help your child eat a variety of real foods, rather than processed snacks, to eat at mealtimes and snacktimes, rather than constant "grazing," or "sipping," and to eat to satisfy hunger, rather than experiencing food as either a reward or a punishment. Don’t cook special meals for a picky child, but don’t make a regular battlefield out of mealtime. Some tips to try Talk with small children about "eating the rainbow," and getting lots of different colors onto their plates orange squash, red peppers, yellow corn, green anything, and so on. Take them to the grocery store or the farmer's market and let them pick out something new they'd like to try. Let them help prepare food. Be open to deploying the foods they enjoy in new ways peanut butter on almost anything, tomato sauce on spinach. Some children will eat almost anything if it's in a dumpling, or on top of pasta. Offer tastes of what everyone else is eating. Find some reliable fallback alternatives when your child won’t eat anything that’s offered. Many restaurants will prepare something simple off the menu for a child, such as plain pasta or rice. Above all, encourage your child to keep tasting; don't rule anything out after just a couple of tries. And if you do have a child who loves one particular green vegetable, it's fine to have that one turn up over and over again. Bottom line As long as a child is growing, don’t agonize too much. Family meals matter to older children as well, even as they experience the biological shifts of adolescent growth. Keep that social context for food as much as you can, even through the scheduling complexities of middle school and high school. Keep the family table a no-screen zone, and keep on talking and eating together. Some families found that the pandemic meant more opportunities for family meals, which helped them through the hard times, but if the stresses of the recent past have pushed your family toward more snacking and more fast food, know that you are not alone. It will always help to re-set as a family, to stock healthy foods in the house, and to eat together and connect over food. More on Your Child's DietHow to DisciplineSmall children are essentially uncivilized, and part of the job of parenting inevitably involves a certain amount of correctional work. With toddlers, you need to be patient and consistent, which is another way of saying you will need to express and enforce the same rules over and over and over again. “Time outs” work very effectively with some children, and parents should watch for those moments when they the parents may need them as well. Seriously, take a breather when you are feeling as out of control as your child is acting. Many parents have been under extraordinary stress during the pandemic; be sure you are taking care of yourself, and get help if you need it. Distraction is another good technique; you don’t have to win a moral victory every time a small child misbehaves if you can redirect the behavior and avoid the battle. The overall disciplinary message to young children is the message that you don’t like the behavior, but you do love the child. Think praise rather than punishment. Physical discipline, like hitting and spanking, tends to produce aggressive behavior in children. Keep in mind that it’s always a parental win if you can structure a situation so that a child is earning privileges screentime, for example by good behavior, rather than losing them as a penalty. Search for positive behaviors to praise and reward, and young children will want to repeat the experience. But inevitably, parenthood involves a certain number of “bad cop” moments, when you have to say no or stop and your child will be angry at you — and that’s fine, it goes with the territory. Look in the mirror and practice saying what parents have always said “I’m your mother/father, I’m not your friend.” As parents, we should be trying to regulate our children’s behavior — or to help them regulate their own — and not trying to legislate their thoughts It is OK to dislike your brother or your classmate, but not to hit him. It is OK to feel angry or frustrated, as long as you behave properly. Our “civilizing” job as parents may be easier, in fact, if we acknowledge the strength of those difficult emotions, and celebrate the child who achieves control. And take advantage of the opportunity to demonstrate what you do when you have lost control or behaved badly Offer a sincere parental apology. It’s also worth recognizing that we have all been living through extraordinary times, and that a child who is, for example, angry or frustrated because activities have been canceled, or interrupted, should not feel bad about expressing those emotions. Even young children can understand that what’s “wrong” or “bad” is the pandemic – not the child’s on DisciplineWellGet essential news on health, fitness and nutrition, from Tara IssuesParenting in the Time of CovidThis is an anxious time to be a parent. You’re helping children navigate a pandemic world in which new information – sometimes scary, sometimes confusing – has to be absorbed and reacted to on a regular basis. You may be helping an anxious child handle fears about going out into the world, or trying to enforce safety protocols with a child who is just eager to declare the pandemic “over.” You may be dealing with economic pressures, with worries over vulnerable family members, or with grief for people who have been lost. And many of the everyday decisions of parenthood have become more heavily weighted and more frightening. It can’t be said too often understand that you are living – and parenting – through very difficult times, and as far as possible, take care of yourself. If you are anxious, if you are depressed, if you are angry, think about the coping strategies that help you, and look for additional help if you need it, from your partner, if you have one, from close friends and family, from your spiritual community, from your doctor, from a mental health professional. Understand that parents have faced a difficult – and at times impossible – set of “assignments,” and that they have in large part responded with everyday heroism in taking care of their children. But they need to care of themselves as can take steps to help your children manage both bullying and conflict — and you're at your most useful when you know which of the two you’re trying to address. Children who are being bullied are on the receiving end of mistreatment, and are helpless to defend themselves, whereas children in conflict are having a hard time getting along. Fortunately, most of the friction that happens among children is in the realm of conflict —an inevitable, if unpleasant, consequence of being with others — not bullying. If children are being bullied, it’s important to reassure them that they deserve support, and that they should alert an adult to what’s happening. Further, you can remind your children that they cannot passively stand by if another child is being bullied. Regardless of how your own child might feel about the one being targeted, you can set the expectation that he or she will do at least one of three things confront the bully, keep company with the victim, alert an adult. When the issue is conflict, you should aim to help young people handle it well by learning to stand up for themselves without stepping on anyone else. To do this, you can model assertion, not aggression, in the inevitable disagreements that arise in family life, and coach your children to do the same as they learn how to address garden-variety disputes with their About GenderMoralityAll parents have in common the wish to raise children who are good people. You surely care about how your child will treat others, and how he or she will act in the world. In some households, regular participation in a religious institution sets aside time for the family to reflect on its values and lets parents convey to their children that those beliefs are held by members of a broad community that extends beyond their home. Even in the absence of strong spiritual beliefs, the celebration of religious holidays can act as a key thread in the fabric of family life. Though it is universally true that children benefit when their parents provide both structure and warmth, even the most diligent parents can struggle to achieve both of these on a regular basis. The rituals and traditions that are part of many religious traditions can bring families together in reliable and memorable ways. Of course, there are everyday opportunities to instill your values in your child outside of organized religion, including helping an elderly neighbor or taking your children with you to volunteer for causes that are important to you. Above all, however, children learn your values by watching how you live. More on Morality and ChildrenAcademic PressureWhen it comes to school, parents walk a difficult line You want your children to strive and succeed, but you don’t want to push them in ways that are unfair, or cause needless stress. At every age and skill level, children benefit when parents help them focus on improving their abilities, rather than on proving them. In other words, children should understand that their intellectual endowment only gets them started, and that their capabilities can be increased with effort. Many children struggled during the course of the pandemic, faced with learning in ways that were harder for them than regular school – this may be especially true for children with learning differences and special needs, but it applies across the board. As they return to in-person schooling, children need time to catch up, and they need to feel comfortable asking for that time, or for extra help – so they need to hear the message that what matters is the learning and understanding that they gain, not some rigid schedule that they may have fallen behind. Children who adopt this growth mindset – the psychological terminology for the belief that industry is the path to mastery – are less stressed than peers who believe their capacities are fixed, and outperform them academically. Students with a growth mindset welcome feedback, are motivated by difficult work, and are inspired by the achievements of their talented classmates. To raise growth-mindset thinkers you can make a point of celebrating effort, not smarts, as children navigate school. This may be more important than ever as schools reopen and children return following their different experiences with remote or hybrid education. When they succeed, say, “Your hard work and persistence really paid off. Well done!” And when they struggle, say, “That test grade reflects what you knew about the material being tested on the day you took the test. It does not tell us how far you can go in that subject. Stick with it and keep asking questions. It will come.” Parents should step in when students face academic challenges that cause constant or undue stress. Some students hold themselves, or are held by adults, to unrealistic standards. Others missed a step along the way, had a hard time during the pandemic, study ineffectively or are grappling with an undiagnosed learning difference. Parents should be in touch with teachers about how things are going. Determining the nature of the problem will point the way to the most helpful on Children and School PressureTechnologyHere’s how to raise a child with a healthy attitude toward shiny screens and flashing TimeYou could try to raise a screen-free child, but let’s be honest, you’re reading this on a screen. As in everything else, the challenge is in balancing the ideal and the real in a way that’s right for your family. The pandemic upended many families’ rules and practices, as everything from visits with grandma from teenage social networks to math class started to happen on screens. And some aspects of those experiences may help you think about positive screen-related experiences you want to build into your children’s lives going forward regular dates for watching a movie as a family, reading a book on an iPad, FaceTiming with out-of-town relatives. Technology plays such an important role in children’s lives now that when we talk about it, we’re talking about everything from sleep to study to social life. “Technology is just a tool and it can be an extremely enriching part of kids’ lives,” said Scott Steinberg, co-author of “The Modern Parent’s Guide to Facebook and Social Networks.” “A lot of what we’re teaching about parenting around technology is just basic parenting,” he said. “It comes down to the Golden Rule Are they treating others in a respectful and empathetic manner?” Phones and social media give older kids opportunities to reckon with responsibilities they haven’t had before, such as being sent, or asked to share, an inappropriate image, said Ana Homayoun, author of the book “Social Media Wellness Helping Teens and Tweens Thrive in an Unbalanced Digital World.” Parents need to keep talking about this side of life with their children so they don’t leave their kids to navigate it alone. And then there’s the question of protecting family time. Mr. Steinberg advises setting household rules that govern when devices may be used, and have clear, age-appropriate policies so kids know what they can and can’t do. Some of these policies will be appropriate for all ages, including parents, such as No phones at the dinner table. No screens for an hour before bedtime. It’s important to practice what you preach. And if your family needs to re-set some of these rules as children return to the classroom, you can talk it through with your children, explaining why it matters to use devices well, but set some limits. And in addition to taking time for family meals and family conversations, parents should be taking the time to sit down with young children and look at what they’re doing online, rather than leaving them alone with their devices as babysitters. Parents as Digital Role ModelsWhen a parent wants to post on social media about something a child did that may embarrass the child, Ms. Homayoun said, it’s worth stepping back to consider why. Are you posting it to draw attention to yourself? You should respect your child’s privacy as much as you respect the privacy of friends, family members and colleagues. As cute as it may seem to post pictures of a naked toddler, consider a "no butts" policy. That may not be the image that your child wants to portray 15 years from now. “We need to, from a very early age, teach kids what consent looks like,” Ms. Homayoun said. “It doesn’t begin when a kid is 15, 16 or 17. It begins when a kid is 3 and he doesn’t want to go hug his uncle.” Or when he doesn’t want you to post that video of him crying over a lost toy. Our children will create digital footprints as they grow, and it will be one of our jobs to help them, guide them and get them to think about how something might look a few years down the line — you can start by respecting their privacy and applying the same standards throughout their lives. Tech ToysIt’s easy to dismiss high-tech toys as just pricey bells and whistles, but if you choose more enriching options, you can find toys that help kids grow. For young children, though, there’s a great deal to be said for allowing them, as much as possible, to explore the nondigital versions of blocks, puzzles, fingerpaints and all the rest of the toys that offer tactile and fine motor experiences. As children get older, some high-tech games encourage thinking dynamically, problem solving and creative expression. “These high-tech games can be an opportunity to bond with your kids. Learn more about how they think and their interests,” Mr. Steinberg said. Some games encourage kids to be part of a team, or lead one. And others let them be wilder than they might be in real life – in ways that parents can appreciate “You can’t always throw globs of paint around the house but you can in the digital world,” he Right Age for a Phone?“Many experts would say it’s about 13, but the more practical answer is when they need one when they’re outside your direct supervision,” Mr. Steinberg said. Ms. Homayoun recommends them for specific contexts, such as for a child who may be traveling between two houses and navigating late sports practices. Consider giving tiered access to technology, such as starting with a flip phone, and remind children that privileges and responsibilities go hand in hand. A child’s expanding access to personal technology should depend on its appropriate use. To put these ideas into practical form, the website of the American Academy of Pediatrics offers guidelines for creating a personalized family media use on Technology and KidsTime ManagementBalance both your schedule and your child’s with a reasonable approach to time. OverschedulingAs the world opens up, children whose lives had been more circumscribed will have the chance not only to return to school, but also to get back to sports, lessons and extracurricular activities. At the same time, pandemic protocols can make all of this even more complicated, for kids and for parents. We all know the cliché of the overscheduled child, rushing from athletic activity to music lessons to tutoring, and there will probably be moments when you will feel like that parent, with a carload of equipment and a schedule so complicated that you wake up in the middle of the night worrying you’re going to lose track. But it’s also a joy and a pleasure to watch children discover the activities they really enjoy, and it’s one of the privileges of parenthood to cheer your children on as their skills improve. Some children really do thrive on what would be, for others, extreme overscheduling. But the complexities of managing social contacts in a time of Covid protocols make it even more important to set priorities so that a child gets to do whichever activities really matter to that particular kid. Know your child, talk to your child, and when necessary, help your child negotiate the decisions that make it possible to keep doing the things that mean the most, even if that means letting go of some other activities. Remember, children can get a tremendous amount of pleasure, and also great value, from learning music, from playing sports, and also from participating in the array of extracurricular activities that many schools offer. However, they also need a certain amount of unscheduled time. The exact mix varies from child to child, and even from year to year. On the one hand, we need to help our children understand the importance of keeping the commitments they make — you don’t get to give up playing your instrument because you’re struggling to learn a hard piece; you don’t quit the team because you’re not one of the starters — and on the other, we need to help them decide when it’s time to change direction or just plain let something go. So how do you know how much is too much? Rethink the schedule if Your child isn’t getting enough sleep. Your child doesn’t have enough time to get schoolwork done. Your child can’t squeeze in silly time with friends, or even a little downtime to kick around with family. And make sure that high school students get a positive message about choosing the activities that they love, rather than an anxiety-producing message about choosing some perfect mix to impress college admissions officers. The point of scheduling is to help us fit in the things we need to do and also the things we love to do; overscheduling means that we’re not in shape to do either. Taking Care of YourselfBeing a parent is the job of your life, the job of your heart, and the job that transforms you forever. But as we do it, we need to keep hold of the passions and pastimes that make us who we are, and which helped bring us to the place in our lives where we were ready to have children. We owe our children attention — and nowadays it’s probably worth reminding ourselves that paying real attention to our children means limiting our own screentime and making sure that we’re talking and reading aloud and playing. But we owe ourselves attention as well, and this has been an extraordinarily stressful and anxious time for many parents. Your children will absolutely remember the time that you spent with them, and that has special meaning for many families after the ways the lockdowns and isolation months of the recent past — but you also want them to grow up noticing the way you maintain friendships of your own, the way you put time and energy into the things that matter most to you, from your work to your physical well-being to the special interests and passions that make you the person they know. They will see how you hold on to what matters most, and how you make sure to do it safely – the same imperatives you’re trying to get them to incorporate in their own lives. Whether you’re taking time to paint or dance, or to knit with friends, or to try to save the world, you are acting and living your values and your loves, and those are messages that you owe to your children. You may not be able to pursue any of your passions in quite the same way and to quite the same extent that you might have before you had a child — and before every social interaction carried a Covid question. You may have to negotiate the time, hour by hour, acknowledging what is most important, and trading it, perhaps, for what is most important to your partner, if you have one. You’ll be, by definition, a different painter, as you would be a different runner, a different dancer, a different friend and a different world-saver. But you may well come to realize that the experience of taking care of a small child helps you concentrate in a stronger, almost fiercer way, when you get that precious hour to to Find BalanceAs children return to in-person learning, the distinction between schoolwork and homework will become an issue for some. Lots of parents worry that their children get an unreasonable amount of homework, and that homework can start unreasonably young. While it may be easy to advise that homework can help a child learn time management and study habits, and to let children try themselves and sometimes fail, the reality is that many of us find ourselves supervising at least a little, and parents who have been supervising remote learning may find it harder to pull back and let the child work. This is another reason to be in touch with your child’s teacher, and aware of how things are going in school. You should speak up if it seems that one particular teacher isn’t following the school’s guidelines for appropriate amounts of homework. And for many children, it’s helpful to talk through the stages of big projects and important assignments, so they can get some intermediate dates on the calendar. If the homework struggle dominates your home life, it may be a sign of another issue, like a learning disability. For many families nowadays, the single biggest negotiation about time management is around screen time, and of course, screen time has now become part of schoolwork for many children. Screen time can be homework time but is the chatting that goes on in a corner really part of the assignment? or social time or pure entertainment time. Bottom line As long as a child is doing decently in school, you probably shouldn’t worry too much about whether, by your standards, the homework looks like it is being done with too many distractions. And remember, some family responsibilities can help anchor a child to the nonvirtual world a dog to be walked or trash to be taken out. And when it comes to fun, let your child see that you value the non-homework part of the evening, or the weekend, that you understand that time with friends is important, and that you want to be kept up to date on what’s going on, and to talk about your own life. Ultimately, we have to practice what we preach, from putting down our own work to enjoy unstructured family time to putting down our phones at the dinner table to engage in a family discussion. Our children are listening to what we say, and watching what we do. Tom Brady says his children face unique challenges because of their parents' fame. "There are a lot of expectations because of who their mom or their dad is," he told Brady has three children Jack, 15, Benjamin, 13, and Vivian, 10. Loading Something is loading. Thanks for signing up! Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. It's not easy having Tom Brady as a dad — according to Tom an interview with published on Thursday, the former NFL superstar spoke about the "unique challenges" his children face because of their parents' fame."Our children have unique challenges [that are] different from ones I had growing up," Brady told the outlet. "There are a lot of expectations because of who their mom or their dad is, and it's not necessarily fair to them because they didn't choose that."He has three kids 13-year-old Benjamin and 10-year-old Vivian with ex-wife and model Gisele Bündchen, and 15-year-old Jack with former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan. Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen with their kids in 2019. Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images His children are "just normal kids," but "because of who our kids are [people say], 'You should be good at this' or 'You should look like that' but that's not the case," he said. "Everyone is an individual."However, Brady, who was the New England Patriots' quarterback before joining the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, has enjoyed watching his oldest son, Jack, play football."I'm very enthusiastic. Watching him play was so fun for me," Brady told Tom Brady with his son Jack in 2018. John Tlumacki/The Boston Globe via Getty Images This will be Brady's first summer of coparenting with Bündchen after their divorce was finalized in October 2022, following 13 years of marriage. Brady told People in a separate interview published Thursday that they're ready for the new normal. "I've got my little calendar right here," Brady their summer plans, he's taking the kids to Disneyland before they go to Brazil with their mom and then to Europe with their dad."They got lots of good plans," he said. "These kids have a really good summer lined up."

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